just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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