I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
