its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I want to fling myself into the sun
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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