Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
sex in a hospital.. check
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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