i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
