Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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