My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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