I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
