I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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