My liver just broke up with me...
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
