She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
