she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
