He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Panties = found
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