I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
