Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
