this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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