C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
