yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Randomize
