the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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