I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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