were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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