I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
