You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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