i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
