Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
