My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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