A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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