just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
