my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
time to smoke my breakfast
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
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