Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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