Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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