he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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