Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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