i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
