tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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