Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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