Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
