Do you still have your period?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
