You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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