It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Randomize
