literally had 100 drinks last night.
I didn't shave. On purpose
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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