dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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