wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
