69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
She told me I should be a condom model.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I love you.
Bad choice
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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