is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
