Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
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