i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
