I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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