We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
