We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
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Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
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Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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