Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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