My friends, they love my intelligence
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
