I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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