Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
