My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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