Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
