i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
