The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
29 Frat Parties That Got Way Too Out Of Control
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon