He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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