woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?