I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
