mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
