Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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