hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
