I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
